Elephant Graveyard

Twenty minutes. Nineteen. Eighteen. Soon the last bell of the week will ring, I'll rise from my purple armchair -this is a free period-, go to Boys' Dorm and change. I'll stuff dirty clothes, socks, underwear and sheets into my suitcase, pack my laptop and get on the midibus that'll take me to Harem Bus Station on the Anatolian side. A bus ride from there, a short walk to mom's work. Then we'll get in the car, she'll ride for fifteen minutes; and I'll be home.

The journey ahead of me, though tiresome even to put on paper, makes me happy. Not "cheerful" happy though. There is no trace of the strong, impulsive, joyous energy that the mere motion of going home usually gives me.

I haven't been home for almost two weeks now. My dorm bed sheets aren't clean anymore. I wore my last clean shirt today. I am running out of socks and underwear. These, while not too deadly problems -thank goodness for washing machines-; are reflecting my own spiritual and emotional condition with great precision: I feel tired and worn and..expiring. My eyes have dul lsemicircles of purple below them, my body is tired after running from one class to another to musical rehearsals to Model UN to prep study halls to a mandatory party last night (I am serious, it is one of the downsides of being a dorm prefect.); and not getting enough sleep or adequate nutrition at all. I feel mentally slowed down, generally unexcited and passive (which does shock me as I am not-so-slightly overenthusiastic normally). Hints of severe migrene headaches have come and gone for days. I'm constantly on the edge of getting ill, holding to whatever strength and health I had left with pure, desperate willpower. I am tired, tired, tired; and as I wrote once before, "bones of my rues ache".

***


I am home now; after a rainy, gray and tranquil journey. I ate my mother's food, I rested in my room. (I almost feel like mentioning I drank good Argentinian wine just for the sake of sounding sophisticated and cool but---whoops, I didn't just do that.)I am still tired and my mind is still very much blurred; but I am in my sanctuary now. I can let go an peacefully get sick. Just the way I like it.

I am home now. I am happy. Not "cheerful" happy, though. Happy like a very, very old elephant who after leaving his herd finally reached the elephant graveyard. Happy amongst the bones and spirits of his ancestors. Conclusively happy.